Waiting in Anticipation...

Kavita and Anu, name shortened for Anjali, are waiting outside the operation theater staring at its door. Kaushik is being operated upon. Who would have thought that after last eight years of waiting, coping up and hoping, these few hours would be more intimidating? Anu asks, “Mom, what will happen?” Kavita replies, “Let’s hope for the best dear. Everything will be alright. Go, get something to drink”. Anu shakes her head into a No. Kavita looks at her daughter forlornly but understands that Anu also wants it to end sooner and come to terms with it. She says nothing more to her daughter, sighs and starts staring again at the door of OT.

Kavita, Kaushik and four year old Anjali (Anu), they had a beautiful family. Kavita and Kaushik were earning handsomely and Anu was the apple of their eyes. Kaushik had been the doting father and needless to mention, he was and still is, Anu’s favorite parent. Kaushik had been complaining of headaches now and then and they had come to know of his gradual vision impairment. They tried consulting various physicians but could not stop the inevitable. Within six months, Kaushik was almost blind and they were not ready for the agonizing days ahead those were in store for them. Kaushik had to part with his job, and Kavita had to take over all financial responsibilities on her own, Anu’s school, Car and home loan EMIs, running the household and Kaushik’s medical expenses. Her mother came to support and look after Anu. But the most difficult part was to manage work and take care of Kaushik, who was unable to come to terms with his condition. She could understand his tantrums and painful agony he was going through but was not able to see her daughter getting emotionally torn apart by her father’s behavior.

Friends, relatives, neighbors, colleagues thronged their house initially. Some would show concern and would become very privy in asking, “How would you manage now? It would be so difficult for you.” And, some would offer to help, “Please let us know if you need any help.” Some would even ask her to send Anu to some boarding school so that she could concentrate on Kaushik’s treatment, which was a big No for Kavita. She knew some people would understand and some would not but it was her own battle to fight and her own demons to win over. She was hoping there would be some light at the end of the tunnel.

Anu was very young to understand, why her father was yelling at everybody for no reason. Why her father was not picking her up, making her laugh, telling her stories, and playing with her anymore. She would come running to him as always, calling, “Papa, papa”, and Kaushik would tell her to go away. Anu was getting confused by his behavior. Her sobs were unbearable to Kavita. At least for Anu, Kavita had to be strong and she was thankful that her own mother was around.

Anu stopped questioning her non-stop curious queries and gradually became very quiet. Kavita’s mother tried very hard to keep up the little girl’s spirits. Kavita was not able to spend any time with her daughter. It used to tear her apart, when Anu would come back from school and directly go to her room without even looking at her and speaking to her. Her mother would then give Anu something to eat, Anu will eat it silently, and when asked about school, she will reply to her grandmother in monosyllables. Kavita will bite back her tears, because she had to look after her husband who was emotionally drained as well. Kaushik would throw away his food, either would not talk or would talk about taking his life for good.  He would go berserk about his vulnerability. Kavita had to take care of him as her own baby. She not only had to keep his spirits up but also had to keep the hope alive that he will be alright with proper treatment.  Kavita did not have any time to weep or lose her patience. That was a tough time, until Ashfaq came along as a boon in disguise.

It was becoming difficult for Kavita to take her daughter to school, pick her up, go to office and take Kaushik for his doc appointments. She was getting physically drained as well driving back and forth. On her mother’s ever persistent nagging, she was going to interview one person recommended by her colleague to drive their car. She knew Kaushik hates someone else driving his car. But for the sake of being practical, she had given in. So, that Saturday morning, a short bald man in his late forties with a beard, came to meet them. First thing Kavita noticed was his calm and kind eyes. Kavita explained to him their need to hire a driver and Ashfaq listened to all that with patience and smiled kindly. He was hired the same day.

Initially, both Kaushik and Anu were not at all cooperating. Kaushik was hostile towards the whole new arrangement. Anu was very apprehensive about a stranger coming into her life. Kavita was fearful too. But gradually Ashfaq won their hearts. Kaushik came to terms with it. Anu started trusting the short bearded man and considered him her long lost friend.  Ashfaq would play with Anu in his free time, he would tell her stoties and would make her laugh. Ashfaq started taking her to the playground in the neighborhood after school so that she could play with the kids her age. It made a positive change in Anu. Sometimes Kavita would peep at her child on weekends when Anu would be playing with the kids and it used to tug at her heart when Anu would keep checking if Ashfaq was there as if to make sure he had not abandoned her. And, Kavita would always remember the day when Anu had come giggling from school for the first time after ages and she was nonchalantly telling her grandmother all about her school that day.

                Ashfaq would playfully ask Anu, “So, what do you see when you look at me?” and the six year old Anu would answer, “A fat teddy bear”. Ashfaq would say, “Teddy bear will go to heaven when you grow up”. Anu would ask him, “Where is this heaven?” Ashfaq would reply, “It is where his God stays”. Anu would always reply that she did not want to grow up. Ashfaq would say, “Even if I have to go, young lady, I will make sure my eyes are watching you”.

Anu had found her father figure in Ashfaq. Ashfaq was very gentle with the child. He understood what she had been going through and treated Anu like his own daughter. Anu would get up from her bed and the very first thing she would do, to go running to see if Ashfaq had come. He would be cleaning the car then, she would ask, “Uncle, you have come?”? He would answer, “Yes dear, where I would be at this time in the morning? I have to drop you to school. You go now and get ready fast.” After that, Anu would happily get ready for school. The days when Ashfaq would be late or unable to come, he would call in the morning and insist on speaking to Anu. A sleepy Anu would ask him to come and see her in the evening, Ashfaq would make sure he kept his promise to little Anu even if he was ill.

And, there were days when Kaushik would go paranoid and would blame everyone in the household for his condition. Sometimes it would be due to some more frank physicians who would make life more miserable. And, sometimes due to the futile and lengthy treatments altogether. Negative thoughts would enter their minds but Kavita did not have the luxury to ponder upon what ifs. She had to keep alive the hope within her to carry on. On one hand, it would be so difficult to console Kaushik and on the other hand, Kavita would be devastated to see the six year old Anu, recoil back to her cocoon. But thankfully, between her mother and Ashfaq, they would be able to cajole back Anu. Kavita was wholeheartedly grateful to Ashfaq and her mother.

That day, hope and faith were bubbling up within her, when she was being driven back home with her ten year old daughter from her parents teacher’s meeting. Doctors had told her and Kaushik last evening that Kaushik can be operated upon if they can find a match with a donated pair of eyes. Ashfaq playfully asked Anu, “What do you see when you look at your Mom, now?” Anu smiled and replied, “Sunshine”. Kavita heaved a sigh and felt as if something heavy has been lifted from her shoulders but she could not give in yet. She caught Ashfaq’s eyes through the rear view mirror of the car and smiled her thanks. Ashfaq smiled back.

Fueling your Masculine Pride

Yet again media woke you up on the New Year’s Eve and you were forced to witness the darker side of your male antagonist. You protested and expressed your disbelief.  You wanted punishment for all those guilty. I was overwhelmed by your support, truly. You remembered 16^th December 2012 and expressed your concerns and deep thoughts on how to make it a safe place for a woman. You shuddered thinking it could have been one of your sister or daughter and condemned the whole fiasco. I again believed you that you have understood.

It feels so good when I am told I am equal to you. I feel I am on seventh heaven, when you tell me, I can walk shoulder to shoulder with you. I am allowed to study, even pursue higher education, live up to my dreams. Not only that, I have also entered the corporate world beside you, I am winning laurels for the country, have even got into a space shuttle. I am elated, truly I am. I am thankful to my good fortune.

I excelled through college and university, and now I am doing wonders in the corporate world. I have got an opportunity to go abroad and I am excited. However, my excitement is short-lived, I am asked by my family to go overseas after I get married. I had thought my family trusted me, they say they do trust me but not the society. Oh well, how can I argue with that reasoning? For you, it is the visa you wait for, but I have to wait not only for my visa but also for a husband. Sometimes, some of us are more fortunate than rest of us, they get landed in a foreign land without a husband. But my family was right, society do not spare me. I am groped and molested in a crowd if I step outside alone, I am raped and stoned if I step outside with a friend, and I am beaten and burnt alive inside four walls of my own house. I am clueless to where shall I go now?

You get married and you tell everyone you lost your freedom and every one joins in your sense of humor. When I do get married and I say my wings have been clipped, I am asked to hush down. After I get married to you, I cannot even spend the money on my own, which I have earned. I have to ask your permission whenever I want to buy a shirt for my father with my hard earned money. You want my father to gift you a car, you want my parents’ hard earned money to buy you a house and buy you all the household stuffs to start a new life with me. You want my money to run that house too. You want to buy expensive gifts for your mother, brother and others, you would want me to spend but when it comes to buy gifts for my family, you become stringent and you remind me why it is important to save money for our future.

I have to offer my shoulder when you need to cry on. I have to accompany you half through your journey when you are scared to boost your morale and keep you going. But when you burn me alive or beat me into a pulp inside the shut doors, I cannot even shout for help. I am asked to sob and control my tears inside a closed room so that neighbors do not hear me, it will shatter your image of a perfect husband. I am being asked to come to terms with it on my own. I am not allowed to have a confidante and helping hand when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I have to take your permission if I want to go out with friends. But when you want to go out, you would give me lies about meetings and workshops to attend to. I will be questioned if I need to stay some time longer in office. Your work and career are always important and I have to adjust and compromise according to that but even if you want me to earn the money, my career is least of your worries.

In front of my neighbors, relatives and friends, you behave as if you are the most caring and loving husband in the world. Everyone talks highly of you, you are the perfect, ideal spouse one can ever get. But within those four walls, I have to be taught to behave. Some time for sake of your mother, father or sibling, you have to beat me blue and black, drag me through the stairs, and kick me with your brother in tow. And, sometime for sake of your woman friend, colleague or sibling, if I ask you about her. When you talk to your woman friend, it would be like, ‘My wife hates to do dishes, so I am planning to buy her a dish washer” and to that, you get, “Aww, so cute. You are such a wonderful husband, I hope my husband also hears you”.  

I wonder, what cult my father was made of.  I had never seen him beating my mother, at least not in front of my eyes. Was he not Man enough? Where else, you beat me up in front of my own daughter. So that, she also understands from a young and tender age what her future beholds. Why did my father deprive me of that enlightening knowledge? I could have been able to understand it better, when I faced this brutality. You can always say afterwards, you were angry and anger drove you to being a monster and I have to bow my head down and worship you.

When I am broken into pieces, you gloat with satisfaction. My bruised and swollen face fuels your male ego and pride. My battered self-confidence and shattered dignity is your prized possession. When you cut the spirit of a free spirited woman, it definitely fuels your masculine pride and testosterone full manhood. I have seen your face, you are at your inner peace by showing my exact place in your life. And trust me, I am filled with an intense dislike, obviously not for you, I do not have any energy left within me. I hate myself and yes, you have won yet again.